35+ Funniest Parenting Advice Ever for New Parents

by

Last Updated on November 2, 2021

Funny Advice New Parents

Most parents know what it feels like to be bombarded with unsolicited advice about raising kids. This guidance can range from semi-helpful to totally useless to absolutely baffling.

But sometimes parents share real nuggets of wisdom with each other … especially on Twitter.

We’ve rounded up the best and funniest parenting advice that parents and a few childfree sages have tweeted. Keep scrolling for some hilariously real and useful advice.

Top 85 Funny Birthday Wishes for Someone Special

Table of Contents

Funny Advice for New Parents

  • Maybe don’t leave Hungry Hungry Hippos on the floor of a dark room.
  • Never take a toddler’s word for it
  • Take kids to pumpkin patch. Let them pick out any pumpkin. but make them carry it to the car. They’ll never want to go again.
  • Pick your battles twitter.com/zvXHbm0qVo
  • When ur kids start crying, start bawling bigger & badder. Soon, they will stop crying & turn their concerns to your welfare.
  • No good ever comes from a toddler sitting naked on the couch.
  • Don’t talk about yourself as a failure of a parent…. to your children.
  • Unfolded laundry straight out of the dryer is an excellent place for napping.#tiredmommy
  • Have two kids so you can keep your lazy butt in the car & say, “Go get your brother” when picking one up at a friends house.
  • when your child tells you he is having bad dreams, “It’s okay, Pal, reality is much scarier” will not comfort him.
  • If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.I need a shower.
  • if you want to get your kids ready to leave the house faster, relentlessly song ‘All That Jazz’ in a Billie Holiday voice.
  • Carry only solid colored extra pants for your kid’s potty accidents. Otherwise… twitter.com/RIWpg1lr
  • Hide the matches to a dozen socks and ask the kids to find them. Now go sit and enjoy a hot cup of coffee. You’re welcome.
  • telling a three-year-old that her dried-up markers are a “first world problem” will not stop her from crying.
  • It’s ok to justify not meeting any of your goals, with, “At least I remembered to feed the kids.”
  • If you don’t know where your children are in the house… Turn off the internet and watch them magically appear.
  • When your kid insists on “playing trains” pretend to be Henry stuck in a tunnel. Then you don’t have to move or do anything.
  • tease your kids’ hair so at the very least they can be well-beehived.
  • Train your kids to kill spiders so THEY can be the ones to do it.
  • Fill a Piñata with mushrooms then sit back and watch as your children learn a cruel, but valuable lesson about real life.
  • Wear clothes that match the furniture. My kids can’t find me because I look like I’m part of the couch
  • No need to baby proof the house for your crawling daughter. Just put her in a dress and render her immobile.
  • The pediatric dentist will not pre-drill holes for your infant’s teeth to grow into, no matter how much you need to sleep.
  • End the ABC song “Thanks for singing this w/ me” not “Next time won’t you sing w/ me.” Then you don’t have to sing it again.
  • When bribing your child make sure you google the price of the bribe before agreeing to buy it. #walletburn
  • If your children ask a lot of questions, try asking them an open-ended question yourself to find out what they already know #parenting#tip
  • It’s important not to play favorites, so I make sure my kids know I dislike all of them equally. #ParentingTip#MomWin
  • If your 2 year old calls you in from another room to tell you she’s “not poopie,” there’s a 100% chance she’s lying.
  • Chanting “Goblin King! Goblin King! Wherever u may be take this child of mine far away from me!” doesn’t work I already tried
  • Tell your kids all the food you want to keep for yourself is spicy.”Sorry, son, this Dilly Bar is spicy.”
  • Trump is what happens when you always give in to your kids’ temper tantrums. https://t.co/aX7xiASF7i
  • BUY ALL THE TISSUES.
  • Emphasizing the need to keep your children on a schedule makes it easier to say no when you get invited to stuff.
  • When a child says “I picked it up and put it right back”…’right back’ really means a 30 foot radius where it may be hidden.
  • After your first child is born, go buy 20 years worth of poster board. This will save you countless 10:00 PM trips to CVS.
  • If you’re questioning your stock even a little, just buy another bottle of ketchup.
  • Don’t ask your toddler if she would share one bite of her ice cream in order to save your life.
  • If you can’t tell if they’re laughing or crying, play it safe and keep your distance. Add music, headphones, a blender.
  • The quickest way to get a toddler to hold your hand is to put them in roller skates. They won’t let go of you. #parenting
  • Do not let your four-year-old watch “Tangled” and leave her anywhere near scissors.
  • If you’re obviously hungover don’t walk your kids into their camp wearing a Fireball T-shirt #adulting
  • When pouring your guts out to the baby at 3:00 am, make sure the monitor is turned off.
  • Cherish the day you buy your first minivan because that will be the last day it is ever clean.

EXPLORE

Leave a Comment