35+ Funniest Parenting Advice Ever for New Parents

Filed in Articles by on November 2, 2021 0 Comments

Funny Advice New Parents

Most parents know what it feels like to be bombarded with unsolicited advice about raising kids. This guidance can range from semi-helpful to totally useless to absolutely baffling.

But sometimes parents share real nuggets of wisdom with each other … especially on Twitter.

We’ve rounded up the best and funniest parenting advice that parents and a few childfree sages have tweeted. Keep scrolling for some hilariously real and useful advice.

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Funny Advice for New Parents

  • Maybe don’t leave Hungry Hungry Hippos on the floor of a dark room.
  • Never take a toddler’s word for it
  • Take kids to pumpkin patch. Let them pick out any pumpkin. but make them carry it to the car. They’ll never want to go again.
  • Pick your battles twitter.com/zvXHbm0qVo
  • When ur kids start crying, start bawling bigger & badder. Soon, they will stop crying & turn their concerns to your welfare.
  • No good ever comes from a toddler sitting naked on the couch.
  • Don’t talk about yourself as a failure of a parent…. to your children.
  • Unfolded laundry straight out of the dryer is an excellent place for napping.#tiredmommy
  • Have two kids so you can keep your lazy butt in the car & say, “Go get your brother” when picking one up at a friends house.
  • when your child tells you he is having bad dreams, “It’s okay, Pal, reality is much scarier” will not comfort him.
  • If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.I need a shower.
  • if you want to get your kids ready to leave the house faster, relentlessly song ‘All That Jazz’ in a Billie Holiday voice.
  • Carry only solid colored extra pants for your kid’s potty accidents. Otherwise… twitter.com/RIWpg1lr
  • Hide the matches to a dozen socks and ask the kids to find them. Now go sit and enjoy a hot cup of coffee. You’re welcome.
  • telling a three-year-old that her dried-up markers are a “first world problem” will not stop her from crying.
  • It’s ok to justify not meeting any of your goals, with, “At least I remembered to feed the kids.”
  • If you don’t know where your children are in the house… Turn off the internet and watch them magically appear.
  • When your kid insists on “playing trains” pretend to be Henry stuck in a tunnel. Then you don’t have to move or do anything.
  • tease your kids’ hair so at the very least they can be well-beehived.
  • Train your kids to kill spiders so THEY can be the ones to do it.
  • Fill a Piñata with mushrooms then sit back and watch as your children learn a cruel, but valuable lesson about real life.
  • Wear clothes that match the furniture. My kids can’t find me because I look like I’m part of the couch
  • No need to baby proof the house for your crawling daughter. Just put her in a dress and render her immobile.
  • The pediatric dentist will not pre-drill holes for your infant’s teeth to grow into, no matter how much you need to sleep.
  • End the ABC song “Thanks for singing this w/ me” not “Next time won’t you sing w/ me.” Then you don’t have to sing it again.
  • When bribing your child make sure you google the price of the bribe before agreeing to buy it. #walletburn
  • If your children ask a lot of questions, try asking them an open-ended question yourself to find out what they already know #parenting#tip
  • It’s important not to play favorites, so I make sure my kids know I dislike all of them equally. #ParentingTip#MomWin
  • If your 2 year old calls you in from another room to tell you she’s “not poopie,” there’s a 100% chance she’s lying.
  • Chanting “Goblin King! Goblin King! Wherever u may be take this child of mine far away from me!” doesn’t work I already tried
  • Tell your kids all the food you want to keep for yourself is spicy.”Sorry, son, this Dilly Bar is spicy.”
  • Trump is what happens when you always give in to your kids’ temper tantrums. https://t.co/aX7xiASF7i
  • BUY ALL THE TISSUES.
  • Emphasizing the need to keep your children on a schedule makes it easier to say no when you get invited to stuff.
  • When a child says “I picked it up and put it right back”…’right back’ really means a 30 foot radius where it may be hidden.
  • After your first child is born, go buy 20 years worth of poster board. This will save you countless 10:00 PM trips to CVS.
  • If you’re questioning your stock even a little, just buy another bottle of ketchup.
  • Don’t ask your toddler if she would share one bite of her ice cream in order to save your life.
  • If you can’t tell if they’re laughing or crying, play it safe and keep your distance. Add music, headphones, a blender.
  • The quickest way to get a toddler to hold your hand is to put them in roller skates. They won’t let go of you. #parenting
  • Do not let your four-year-old watch “Tangled” and leave her anywhere near scissors.
  • If you’re obviously hungover don’t walk your kids into their camp wearing a Fireball T-shirt #adulting
  • When pouring your guts out to the baby at 3:00 am, make sure the monitor is turned off.
  • Cherish the day you buy your first minivan because that will be the last day it is ever clean.

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Source: Sabonews.org

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